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This has become a documentation of my mental state atp.

Lastest blog post

Okay so a lot of shit happened and I finally got back into my fucking blog.

Yknow that girl I had a crush on, she's my girlfriend now. We're in a qpr, wich is kind of perfect for us. A lot of shit happened. Basically I started dating a guy in november because I thought I was over her (cough cough, represion) and i fucking hated him. But bad things kept happening to him so I ended up dating him for almost a month because he really needed someone and I felt bad. I realized after that whole debacle that I really was in love with Grace (my gf, I dont think ive said her name) and I stopped flipping back and forth between romantic and platonic feelings. I meant to confess to her before christmas but lost the chance. I wanted to do it at my birthday party (im 15 now!) but thought it would be to depressing to get my heart broken on my birthday. Then I finally gave her a love letter while hanging out with her and my friends on the 18th of january. I asked my friend for help hiding the letter until I was ready to give it to Grace and she told me that Grace has actually known I liked her since NOVEMBER and had liked me before hand. some fucking how. She suggested I do it on the bridge in the mall next to her house, instead of sneak it into Grace's bag like i had planned. It was pretty awkward but really romantic.

Now I stopped blogging for like two months but wanted to get back into in february. I got a new laptop and didnt remember the exact website name so I tried to the "i forgot my username" but it kept asking me to use my phone. Now every time I wanted to log and actually remembered to I was at school and couldnt pull out my phone. But, the laptop broke, apearently it was just a defect and they're gonna send me a replacement since theres no fixing it, so im using my old one at school wich has my log in saved.

Im still really depressed most of the time. I didnt know I had this beleif, but I think I thought that the right person could fix you. That being with Grace would fix me. And it didnt of course. While Id never really liked my ex boyfriends im starting to realize that im also part of the problem. Like my brain's just hardwired to try to run away from relationships or something. Because I really like Grace but im still getting those avoidant urges that I got with the guys I didnt like. Though with Grace its more about self hatred then it is about her.

Last blog post

im overstimulated and upset for seemingly no reason.

Literally all thats happened is normal stress that everyone can handle except for me. maybe i was born like this or maybe ive just felt like shit for too long. Theres always something to do, always something im forgetting. i miss my friends but cant bring myself to talk to them. i sat on my bed and did nothing for two hours yesterday after having a pretty good day at school. literally just got home, sat in my bed, and suddenly felt like shit

Since ive talked about my crush on here i guess ill give an update. Our shared friend told me she vowed to never date someone in her friend group after her ex. Honestly, I was in that platonic feeling so i didnt care that much but i assumed it was going to hit me. it hasnt. I told my frined i would tell her after halloween but now im not anymore becouse theres no fucking point. He's still (playfully) harrasing me about it and when i told him theres literally no point and i cant find it in me to care anymore he called me a coward. he hit my leg with his cain then when i pushed it away accussed me of harming a disabled person (he can walk without his cane most of the time, i dont think he would use it as a weapon/i wouldnt push it otherwise). We have a violent friendship. its fun, i think due to the adreniline of fighting him off.

I just want to lay in my bed forever and not feel guilty for it.

Old blog post

I feel depressed.

I went to that friend i have a crush on's house a couple days ago and still felt like shit. Im not sure what im going to do about her. i think im just going to wait it out because the situations pretty complicated

I cant ask for help without people being worried about me. i almost dont want help, because i dont want to exist and talking to people is an acknowledgment of the fact that i do. I wish i could spend my life in my bedroom and i wish i could be content with that.

I feel like i wont be able to make anything of myself like this. i havent touched that keyboard once. all i want to do is go back in time and tell my parents to not have kids. to get a fucking divorce before they hurt eachother. but here i am.

Maybe ill be ok next week, these things fluctiate. Ive felt like shit for a long time and i wonder if when im old and i look back this is what my whole life will look like. i know this was probably barely comphrehensible but thats just a representation of my brain these days.

old blog post

HOley do i feel tired. High school is a pain in the ass. I don't want to be here.

I had some fun with my friends recently. It felt like it didn't last long enough. But the next day I felt dead of course. Because you can't be happy two days in a row, can you?

I'm making some progress on “The Ballad of a Wannabe” lyric and story wise. But I don't really feel motivated to play the actual instruments. I want to learn to play the keyboard for it, and I have my dad’s old one but I just haven't had the time or the energy to play.

Im pretty sure only one person i know in real life knows about my blog and they already know all this. (If you know me and you aren’t Gyro pls go away). I like my best friend. But the weird thing is that feelings keep fluctuating between romantic love and platonic love. Ive been meaning to talk to a certain friend abt it, since all my other one’s wouldnt know what to say (or are her) but havent gotten the chance to.

Everytime I think “after this bump I will be okay” another one comes. Just in general.

Old blog post

I had an awesome day today! i hung out with my friend and we made fake peircings. We went to the store to by some paper clips for it and he also baught us cookies. it was raining on the way home and i kept trying to grab either the bag or the umbrella but he wouldnt let me because "my delicate hands coudlnt handle it" after i said it was sexist of him to not let me hold something since im "technically the woman" so he played along. Later I called him noodle arms for it. Once we starting making the peircings i did need his "big strong man arms"/j to cut a particurly hard to cut peice off for me tho.

Once he left i decided to take some pics on my laptop and edit them on digicamfx. It's late and i lowkey dont feel like figuring out how to get them on here right now but i will tomorrow.